Disease Management Vendors Offer Treatment for Dreaded Foot Biden Mouth Disease
From Naaj Vorodis, DMCB
Updated 17:00 Sun August 19, 2015
Washington DC (DMCB) -- A consortium of disease management service providers have announced a new product offering for "Foot Biden Mouth Disease."
Characterized by a microphone-induced symptom triad of pseudodementia, confabulation and tone deafness, this chronic and incurable condition is associated with pandemics of spinning punditosis and chronic voter fatigue. Statistics gathered by the CDC and the Boston Globe show that, while this pestilence is uncommon, a multiplier effect over news media, websites and social networks makes it appear as bad as it really is.
In response, the consortium is now offering a bluetooth-enabled monitoring device that analyzes the wearer's speech and, when doltish utterances are detected, sends a SMS text message to a responsible adult. This patented and proprietary technology uses a voice activated political information exchange network that mines the user's phrases and compares them to quotes from Mel Brooks, Donald Trump, SuperPAC Ads, The Simpsons and Bane. When a match is detected, not only is the text message is generated, but the wearer is also prompted to apply a cork.
"Our background in enabling behavior change to reduce the rate of complications in conditions such as diabetes and high blood pressure makes disease management a perfect answer to this disabling condition of political buffoonery," said disease management industry expert Bill Alot. "Our technology can adapt itself to the consumer's level of insight and result in beneficial outcomes, even if the patient has zero insight," he added.
Unnamed sources in the White House have stated that this may reduce the recurring episodes of panic in the Situation Room. "We sure hope this works," said one source, "otherwise its back to the teleprompters for all of us."